My neighbor Vishnu is quite helpful and carefree person. Fairly couple of times I have seen him lending money not only to his known ones but at times also to the strangers. In some of cases he has become the online lender where he has never seen the borrower, even not at the time of making of donation. I have always been quite impressed with this remarkable trait of his and always professed him of a very saintly being.
But to my wonder he has honestly confirmed me wrong by sharing that he isn’t very sure that his un-returnable donations are due to his angelic nature or due to something else. As a matter of sorrow he himself attributes it to be a trait of cowardice.
A ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble. — Mahatama Gandhi
The personal power and emotional freedom means being willing to take the risk of others’ uncaring or rejecting behaviour and learning to manage the heartache of this, rather than continue to abandon. The other reason for this might be the thoughtlessness at the moment. But the irony of this is that when you try to avoid the heartache of feeling another’s uncaring behaviour, you are not caring about yourself. You are abandoning yourself when you give yourself up or close your heart to avoid feeling rejected. By avoiding others’ rejection, you are rejecting yourself, which causes much anxiety and depression.
Last week Vishnu was driving his car into the parking area when his car was hit from a side by a truck which led to a minor impression on one side of his car. Though the truck driver apologised and offered to pay the cost of repair. Vishnu somehow decided to let the driver off with a warning to be careful in the future. A few days later, Vishnu was forced to think whether his decision to help the truck driver had been wrong. He was little disturbed for the fact that he did not forced that driver to pay back the repairs.
As a well-wisher I am terrified of being taken advantage of Vishnu, if he is open-hearted, he will be vulnerable to being used and taken advantage of by others. Because he doesn’t want to face his fears of rejection should he say “no”, he keeps himself safe by saying “yes”. All this can change for him if he learns to take responsibility for himself by saying “no” when this is what is in his highest good.
Generally people like Vishnu always finds going along with what others want him to do, and saying the things that he thinks others want to hear, because he is so afraid of others’. But giving himself up feels awful to them, so after a while, they gets angry and shuts down as a way to protect themselves.
Knowing how to say no without feeling guilty is generally a common problem among females. People pleasers can’t say no without feeling guilty or “bad.” The need to make others happy no matter what the cost is a sign of a people pleaser. This “disease to please” is about unhealthy personal boundaries in relationships. People pleasers can’t say no without feeling guilty. They simply don’t know how to stop being people pleasers. This disease to please is all about unhealthy personal boundaries in work and personal relationships.
To set healthy personal boundaries, you must make conscious choices, dip into your self-knowledge, and have the courage say no without feeling guilty. Quitting the disease to please can be difficult, but it’s better than feeling resentful about how you spend your time and energy! Your relationships will be better in the long run and so will your mental health, if you learn how to stop being a people pleaser.
Do care for your own feelings first!
My all the love and good wishes to Vishnu.
0 Comments